I can’t seem to get a handle on my thoughts lately. I’m going slightly mad at this point I think. I knew a long time ago that it would come to this, but now that it’s happening I’m not fighting it like I said I would…. The only conclusion I can draw is that on some dark, hateful level, I pursued this, I wanted this….
How do you know when the voice that’s talking is really your own? How do you know if something you’ve been hiding for so long isn’t so hidden anymore?
Every feeling is slipping further and further away. It’s actually to the point where a smile or a laugh holds no meaning to me, and instead of being a “feeling” it’s more of a learned reaction. I smile because if I don’t…someone might find out. If I don’t laugh, someone will suspect something is wrong. Maybe it’s a form of self-preservation, except this is more a preservation of percieved sanity than my actual life. I won’t die if anyone finds out. I won’t die if people find out what I think. I won’t die if I lose everything I’ve been struggling for. But my life will be just that much harder, just that much more unliveable.
I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Life has always just been a stupid game. Most of the time it isn’t worth playing. In the end everyone loses and dies anyway…haha.
My secret?
I like to feign sanity
I always tell lies
Punish me if you please,
Nothing of you matters
I keep my secrets in my mind’s eye.
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I know the feeling, really. Isn’t it strange how all the secrets and masks we wear to cover up feels like self preservation, yet it’s really only making matters worse? You described it so perfectly and you know what’s happening. You realize what’s happening and that’s more than a lot of people can say when they’re going through something. Like me, it took years for me to realize the mental state I was truly in. I just didn’t know, or I was in a strange denial that couldn’t be explained. Anyway, when you speak about wondering if what you’ve been hiding isn’t so hidden, it just gets me thinking of those smiles and the emotion I faked for so long. There’s only so much smiling and covering up one can do, and it gets harder the longer everything is left to accumulate. I remember deciding not to make the effort to pretend anymore to other people that I was alright, and when they didn’t respond to the truth, the lifeless thing I’d become…it let me know that most people are very blind to things.
So I guess what I mean to say is, if it takes more out of you than is worth it, don’t pretend in front of others that you’re happier than you are. You do matter. Your thoughts and problems are imprortant. You’re still the one in control.
I think I sound confusing here, but I hope you know whatI mean…haha. Take care of yourself alright.