Sometimes I tell myself that it is alright that I want to die, that there is nothing wrong with that. This place is far from wonderful, far from perfect, and in truth it can be close to Hell. If there are levels in Hell, I must be in one of the easier ones. Even so, it’s still Hell, and I am still the person I always was, with no drive, no dreams, no goals. I live out of pure boredom and a sense of false, all-consuming loyalty, nothing more. Every reason I give is just another lie, another strike on my private record.
So many strikes the paper looks black.
I am disgrace. I plague even myself with my own existence. An existence that is taxing even on me. If I am such a burden to myself, it must be twice as worse for the ones who hold me up. On my own I would collapse; a malformed structure that was never meant to stand. I was designed all wrong, and all of my “improvements” have only suceeded in worsening matters.
School draws nearer. I know that my pathetic reasoning is starting to burn from my anger…the rage at being trapped in a cage that is inescapable except for one path. I don’t want this. I never wanted this. I’d take anything over this. I want it to end.
Anxiety eats at sanity
Unwelcome cannibalism of self
Hatred that never stops.
I will never feel normal. There’s never going to be a day where I wake up and it all feels okay. I will never have that day, not even a single one.
I have to say another lie: it makes me stronger.
The torture makes me stronger.
My chosen torture makes me stronger.
Today is not the day to die.
“Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from.”
When you talk about being a malformed structure, never meant to stand on your own-my mind has been glued to this exact feeling. Some people say God doesn’t make mistakes, well I think he did with me-I think I am the biggest mistake, it’s laughable, and most painful. It’s perfectly alright to want for an escape. As unhealthy as if sounds, I wake up everyday having some thought of death run through my mind, but lately I’ve surprisingly tried to figure how I can somehow ‘die’ inside first-to look closely and see what I can change and what risks I can take that will kill what ever thoughts of anger or doubt that keep me from moving on. Sort of like being resurrected you know? Sometimes it works and other times it worsens the bad feeling, but I consider it better than just ignoring the problem and letting it totally break me-anything I suppose is better than that. I’ve had to change my way of thinking to a degree, to recognize negative thoughts and ask myself how they are justified or what proves them true or untrue (a bit of what my therapist was on about), and that works at times and other times, not so much.
Anyway, hopefully I am still someone you feel you can talk to. I am always here to listen.