I’m not in a very pleasant mood. I think I’m just tiring of doing the same old shit all of the time with no way of escape. No one will hire me (and believe me, I’ve applied everywhere), so here I am at home, day after fucking day, doing absolutely nothing. That, and hey, I do have a driver’s license, but I’m not allowed to use it. I feel like everything I’ve tried to do means nothing. It’s all in vain. This is all just a mistake, living is a mistake. All I do is buy useless shit I don’t need, and sit at this computer typing when I don’t even want this.
It’s not a matter of feeling sorry for myself, it’s a matter of realizing there is no reason to be here. I am trapped—chained—to my parents and whatever befalls them. I can’t get away. I could run, sure, but to where? And not to mention, I would have nothing. I have all the comforts in the world here, but the unhappiness wells up so strongly at times that it feels suffocating. This is supposed to be what everyone wants. Being comfortable as well as you can be, all from years of throwing money into the system and accumulating everything you could possibly need. But I don’t need the things half so much as I am starving for just a taste of independence. Of getting the hell away from humanity, away from all the things that pull them down, all the things that are pulling me down because I’ve let this place poison me.
I’m dying slowly. Maybe I do deserve it.
You don’t deserve it; you are trying aren’t you? Many people have given up trying. And you have to keep it in mind that right now everyone is having a hard time finding work. There are still jobs out there but some just may need a little training for. And also, if you don’t have much job experience like me it is sort of a good thing these days because it would mean the employer wouldn’t be so wary of hiring you (they wouldn’t have to pay more because of experience). One thing you could try if you haven’t already is volunteering some place you like going, and if the people there get familiar with who you are you could be one of the first they consider if they begin hiring, you know? I think I heard you mention a while ago the veternarian hospital or working with horses… It could be anywhere. They need help everywhere really, it’s just most places are too broke to pay anyone right now. It will pass.
I know it’s difficult getting up everyday and feeling stuck in the same tired show, but opportunities will eventually open up. Maybe you could talk to someone around you that has a decent level of trust with you that might be able to lend you better advice or who could network for you in regards to getting you a job.
And maybe with some of your things that you don’t want-you could sell them online or at a pawn shop, then stash away the cash for savings. It could be money you save for an apartment or for something else that would give you more independence.
But you already know I’m pretty much in the same situation. I don’t know what I’m doing or why, and I’m just as stuck and frustrated as before out of fear that I’m wasting my time again. But I’m trying to exhaust all my resources now-including the people in my life. Believe me, everyday it feels pointless and burdensome, but something is keeping me in until the end. I hope you get some sort of opporunity soon and give it a chance or gain some ideas that’ll lead to something else….it may not feel good or sit right with you (as nothing I’ve personally done has) but be as open as you can be and be patient with yourself (easier said then done, I know, but I keep it in mind).