pained

I’m not really sure what happened today. I spent over 10 hours at work, and I was so stressed out I didn’t take my breaks, or really get much of anything productive done. I’m getting pushed higher, slowly but surely. I’m slowly taking over other peoples’ responsiblities, and I can’t help but doubt myself. They all have a good year of experience on me, and though I think I am getting better, I can’t help but believe I’m still not good enough, just like I always thought. I’ve come a long way from not being able to go up to a counter and buy something, to where I am now—blatant customer service every day, all day.

I had a customer yell at me the other day in front of several people. They all turned to look, and in that moment I reminded myself that the foolish man didn’t matter, and nobody was going to dare try to humiliate and bully me in a room full of strangers. I got so angry I was shaking with rage, and trying to keep my voice calm and bite my tongue was extremely difficult. I had to clench my fists at my sides and smile. I wanted nothing more than to drag him across the counter and beat the living shit out of him. He would have deserved it.

I want to better myself. I want to learn this game as best that I can. I feel like nothing but a shackled bundle of secrets. It seems like all I do is lie, to the point where sometimes I can’t remember what is real about me and what isn’t. 

No one can know what is locked away inside.