I’ve always been a very…guilt-ridden person. It probably has a lot to do with my upbringing, with the staunch Catholic views my mother instilled in me when I was of a more impressionable mind. It’s taken a very long time for me to push aside those philosophies in search of my own, more forgiving ones. And because of this early corruption (oh yes, it is most definitely corruption), even with my new, personally learned ideas, I still struggle more often than I care to admit with that voice of times passed. Like a bitching, nagging mother, the voice still frequents my everyday life, attempting to shake the foundation I have so painstakingly erected out of sheer rebelliousness and hatred of tradition. I’ve fought for what I’ve learned, stood before my critics and laughed even when it threatened to bring down my careful illusion constructed to charm a society of idiots. Everything I’ve strove to accomplish—both personally and for the sake of a facade to hide myself behind—almost becomes lost in the face of that old, decrepit conditioning.
There was once a time where I could do nothing that went against those ideals I’d been taught. I was a prisoner in my own life, never pursuing my own interests because I feared becoming ostracized for having an interest in such things. I wanted nothing more than to pass beneath the glare of society’s eyes, to go unnoticed, unchallenged. Of course it didn’t always affect me…. After years of having what I wanted at my fingertips yet never actually having it, I slowly began to obey a few of my “lesser” instincts. All on the sly of course, as I was too ashamed to ever reveal my interests to the people around me, and I did not have any intention of threating the image I’d been perfecting for so long.
It was the sight of conformity that eventually began to make my blood simmer. Soon enough it was alight. Oh yes, maybe I had been taught things in my youth, but my mother had always claimed I could do as I pleased. It wasn’t true of course; her ideas of what a kid should be allowed to do were limited, but were not nearly as conservative as what I began to see in my newfound friends. I was practically a stripper in comparison to a nun in regards to my allowances. I had everything, they had nothing.
I suppose I just wasn’t content forever being a God-Whore chained to the cross like a pitiful Jesus; no I was not to be a servant or a dog wearing a collar of bondage.
There is a truth that I’ve discovered. Guilt is a human idea. This fact leads to many things, the first being that humans are, in all their stupidity, biased. Rarely do I come upon human philosophies—especially religious philosophies—that are founded in any sort of truth. Generally they are born of idiocy, or the faulty reasoning of diseased minds. And due to this, those ideas cannot and should not be accepted as truths. Naturally, people scarcely take the time to ponder themselves, let alone the beliefs that they have followed since childhood completely without question. So what is guilt?
Guilt, like many human creations, is an excuse. It’s a pay pass for being naughty. It’s something we’ve designed in a futile attempt to deny ourselves the things we so desire and make ourselves feel terrible if we do follow our wants/needs. Why do we deny these urges? “Because it isn’t right. Because that might hurt my relationship with so-and-so. Because it will make me look bad.” Really, it’s cultural conditioning, learned culture, that dictates what is “right” or “just”, and what isn’t. These flimsy little excuses we’ve made to justify our actions don’t hold up to logical reasoning. There is no need for excuse. You enjoyed something, so what? Why must you feel bad about it?
What this all connects to is one idea, the one that I hate the most: prestige. The philosophy that in order to live a good life you have to be obedient and constantly protective of your reputation. That somehow, this idea, which I remind you WAS CREATED BY MAN, should dictate how you live your life. And for what? So that you look good in other peoples’ eyes (which, by the way is ONLY because of cultural myths) and suffer on the inside? To live a life of abstinence toward anything and everything in the face of that which pleases you…it is one of the most ridiculous notions human beings have endorsed so far.