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Nothing works out as you hope.

I feel exhausted even though I’ve done nothing of strain today. Each day seems like a brand new battle, and to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to go on with all of this. My desires are stronger than ever. I try to decide how I’ll do it. Where. Who would find me. It’s never been this bad before. I guess I fooled myself into believing I was over it, that I could always hold my head above water no matter what. All I want now is to sink and get lost in the dark, cold water. I want to see nothing, and I want the few emotions I can feel anymore to just fade away.

I have no time alone at this point either, which only seems to bring about mood swings that I don’t want to deal with. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a house that is all quiet. I understand now why it’s the solitude I crave and also why I feel so terrible when I don’t have it. It’s a bit like a regular person when you think about it. If some social butterfly was locked away from human contact for a few years they would wind up pretty fucked up too. So I’m just the opposite: the more human contact, the deeper I crawl into myself to get away. Unfortunately with my problem there is little chance I’ll get what I want. People are everywhere. No matter how far I walk into the woods I can still find people, still be bothered to give directions or to talk with some stranger who wants to know what a girl is doing out in the woods. People pry, they ask stupid questions. They have to look at you with those eyes of theirs and examine you, probe you with their mediocre and below-average intellect, all the while pretending to be oh so much better. So much more worth time and effort. And yeah, maybe I’m not worth it. Maybe realists aren’t worth saving sometimes, not when they are so far gone as I seem to be. I’m not striving to be a social ideal, I’m not striving to have a fulfilling life, so I must not be worth anything at all. Of course no one ever stops to think that perhaps not all of us find heaven in petty relationships and white collar jobs. Maybe not all of us are willling to walk around pretending to be above average, when we know better. Or maybe the world has just succeeded in making me bitter.

I’m taking normal classes at college now, lecture rooms and all. My two teachers are pretty decent, my psychology teacher especially. I’ve been emailing her my questions, which instead of brushing off like a lot of my teachers have, she actually takes the time to try and give me the answers I’m searching for, even if she has to type an entire page. I think I’d forgotten that there are people out there who acutally care. What a realist I am…I’m bordering on nihlism and pessimism at this point. I’ve also found out that with the degree I was getting, the bachelor’s degree, I can’t do any counciling. Would have been more pleasantly accepted if my advisor had taken the time to explain that part. Basically a bachelor’s degree in psychology will just serve as an achievment to wave in an employer’s face and hope for the best. In order to do any sort of counciling, even the less formal kind, you have to have a master’s degree and be specialized in some particular branch of psychology. I’ll never be able to get a master’s degree. First I’m not going to be able to survive all the statistic classes and other numerous math classes, secondly I don’t know if I could mentally handle another 3 years of school (it’s supposed to take 2 more in addition to the 4 of the bachelor’s degree, but I take too few classes to go at that pace), and third, my parents could never afford that. They can barely afford it now even though I’m in a community college. So any ideas about doing anything more hands on is out the window at this point. I would have to get a job and then try to juggle school at the same time, but with my lack of enthusiasm for school already I’m all too aware that it would probably just succeed in making me follow my more dark urges. I’m not going to push my already slim luck by furthering my boredom and hatred for being alive and breathing, and giving myself more reason to not want to exist.

I need help, I can see that now. But like always I’m unwilling to reach out for it. Besides, if anyone said point blank, “I want to help you”, I’d tell them to leave me the hell alone. No one would ever try anyway. It’s been let’s see…6 years of depression and not once, in all of that time, has anyone ever realized just how bad off I am inside. It makes me want to hate them for all those times where I did want help but was never given any. Those times my dad laughed at me for crying, or how my mom always thinks that she can tell when I don’t feel well. What if I feel bad all of the time, Mom? What if I can’t cry anymore, Dad? And my friends who thought they knew so much about life, or that they actually knew who I was…. Such a waste. All of it has been such a waste. All that time I spent trying to make everyone happy was for nothing. I’ve stopped talking to every last friend. But I know it doesn’t matter now. I don’t want medication, I don’t want to sit in a chair and let some moron try to dissect me. It’s over. That time of neediness and comfort is over. I’ll never again go back to that, no matter how much I want it.

I’m meant to be alone; it’s my blessing and my curse.


7 responses to “Nothing works out as you hope.

  1. imaginaryfears ⋅

    I am really sorry things have gotten complicated with going about getting your degree. This college thing hasn’t felt right for me from day one, but I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes I think it would be fine to sell all of my stuff, dwindle the money away, and be a bum living under the bridge. Maybe I’d be content, when the money ran out, maybe I’d feel as if I lived enough….
    I don’t want to type you a whole page on many of the same problems I’m having that you’ve mentioned, but I want you to know that even though it matters little, I do worry for you. Many times I try to be too strong, believing that if I break, everyone else and their lives break as well, and I didn’t want that. But realizing that I was already broken, and that pretending made nothing better, the thread holding me from death got thinner and thinner. I’m just trying to say that it really becomes easier to switch from thoughts of death as just being calming and getting you through, to becoming something real and easy to gain your loyalty.
    You know how your insides kind of sink when you’re really nervous? Well that sinking feeling happened to me when I read the last paragraph here in this entry. It was out of sadness and a bit of shock, from reading that you’ve been laughed at for crying or that your feelings are assumed and not really directly asked about, or cared about. I know how much that hurts. It’s never really forgotten either, especially when it’s from people close to you. And maybe the kind of help you need isn’t the traditional fix that is presented to everyone else. I’m figuring that out now. Maybe it works for the others out there who don’t have social issues or offbeat ideas about life, but for you and me, I’m not sure it’s enough. Not at all.

  2. HB ⋅

    Atleast you know that you want to be left alone. I dont even know what I want from life with all the baggage that i carry…… Life is crap…it always was….. everyone realizes it one day…. working to buy food/luxuries, and eating to die a little later….. oh yeah! that makes sense….

    for you my dear…. trust me! couple of people tried to help me out and it ended up working in the other direction…… so i wont bother with anything…… just left this note to tell you that there are ones like you as well…….. helps me sometimes…..

    • I think most people do realize that their lives are built on nothing at some point, hence how common it is to have a so-called ‘midlife crisis’. Yes, it does seem that the help people search for isn’t really help at all. I think in this life, the best we can expect is not a cure from our problems, but the occasional individual who comes along and shows us that we aren’t the only ones who feel the suffering. That can almost make it bearable for awhile.

  3. Kate ⋅

    When else fails, and the first thought of your day before getting up is why? Why not think to lend a hand to others in disgrace, there is so much pain and suffering outside our troubled heads and souls, no one will have an answer for you or I, this is your journey, yours only, but on our way through life why not be a light, even if a dim light at times, to others in worst situations than ours. I am not saying this will change you or I, and that we will love the world we live in, but it will surely ease somebody´s else harsh journey.
    We are all born warriors, some have to fight tougher battles. Fight your battles to the end, surrender never!

  4. Akima ⋅

    You won’t believe if I say I was on the verge of tears when I read this…
    “All I want now is to sink in and get lost in the dark cold water.”
    There’s no such luck, at least not for me. I remember that before coming to dorm, I feared being so surrounded by people. Now, I think it’s just fine. It wasn’t without a price, and I willingly paid it. Emotional detachement, that is if you consider me emotional. Pft. I’ve certainly become darker, which I like. And insanity XD. It’s a recurring event. There are times that I just want so badly to do something and I find myself fucking shackled.
    I hate everything, this world, the people I see everyday. Sometimes, I just feel like I’d give anything, anything, to hurt them, to see them so hurt that it’d be irreparable.
    And the help… I would have done the same if I ever were to ask for it. I’m just bearing with it, not telling anyone, except you of course, anything. And I know where that’s going to lead me to. I already see the cracks. And you’re right. Moms think that they know what’s wrong, that they know everything. The problem is that they don’t know how far we’ve gone. They don’t see the distance that separates us. Fuck… I’m crying now. They don’t know, and they claim to know.
    I just don’t know that this time, when I’m going to be broken beyond repair, who’s gonna put the shards back together…

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