I failed my driving test. Big fucking surprise. I knew that I failed it about halfway through, and stopped giving a shit.
I’m a good driver, I know that. I’ve seen the way other people drive, and it just so happens that actually believe in using a blinker and not cutting people off. Even during my test I got cut off twice in just 20 minutes. Some guy changed lanes, pulled right in front of me, no blinker, then went moseying on over to the other lane again—surprise surprise, no blinker. I guess he couldn’t make up his mind. And I ask myself, HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU FAIL? If completely worthless twats are allowed behind the wheel, that says a great deal about me failing. It makes me look like the biggest fucking idiot in existence.
I was so nervous. I got stupid. We were going down these one way streets for awhile, then he told me to turn…guess what? I never even stopped to think, “hey, is that a one way street, or a two way?” So guess who ends up on the WRONG SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD? He had to tell me, because at first I didn’t even notice, because there was no oncoming traffic, and the tiny little road looked exactly like all of the others (and it didn’t help that the yellow line was dotted and faded). I was too far up in fucking numb-land to notice much of anything. I was just trying to pretend that I wasn’t there making a moron of myself as I am so inclined to do. Fucking idiot. Godfuckingdamnit.
When we pull into the DMV again, I pretty much knew I’d failed. I drove 25 through the school zone (supposed to go 20), because I honestly had given it all up already.
I’m quiet. Somehow the whole time I held every ounce of that self-hatred deep in my gut, buried under layer upon layer of cold, bitter numbness. I even smiled and laughed at the man’s attempts to make me feel better. I see my mom over by the door smiling and waving and I’m thinking to myself, “When I get home, I’m going to shoot myself.”
My mom had decided to do all the grociery/WalMart shopping on the same day as the test, much to my annoyance (I got nervous having to stand around all morning waiting for 11:00 to roll by). So right after the failure we’re about to go back to another store. I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore, and let myself cry quietly. My mom went back into the DMV to schedule another test before we got back to the weekly shopping, and all I could think, was “if I only had a gun…”. It’s ironic, because we had just finished picking up bullets at one of the stores we were at, so they were right there in the back seat with my name all over them.
Instead I dug around my purse, and much to my delight, found my little tool. It has a nice little knife on it. I finished before my mother got back, rolled down my sleeve (which lucky for me, was black) and continued staring out the window listlessly. It must have taken 2 hours to get home, with all of the bullshit she stopped to do. I told her again and again, “I just want to go home”, and ended up staying the car while she did whatever hurriedly. It’s probably good she took awhile, as I’ve had some time to calm down a bit. Not much, but enough that I should be able to keep myself from a nice suicide mission in the woods.
My father hasn’t even said a word to me since I got back, didn’t ask or anything. Whatever. I don’t care anymore.
Everything was hinged on that one fucking test, and now I’m back to square one, yet again. And because the DMV is so busy they could only get me in for the middle of fucking November! So I opted to go to another town (quite a ways away), for next Friday. I’ve never even been there, which in my book, makes it a VERY bad idea. I don’t know if I will go with that one or not; I don’t care at this particular point. It’s virtually over as far as I’m concerned. I failed too badly anyway. I can’t even look for a job now, because I still have no driver’s license to show them.
I’m beyond pissed; I can’t even feel anything right now. All I want is sleep, preferably something permanent. But even in that area, I am a failure. Too much of a coward, too fucking stupid. I just want it all to end so that I don’t have to pretend that I care anymore.