This week has been ‘reconnect’ week or something. All of this shit has finally hit the fan, at the exact same time, rendering said fan utterly useless. It’s as though irritating news travels in packs, just to spite those who are already crumpled to their knees from the burden of life strapped to their back. It never goes away once its started; it always comes back. It’s the way of things, of the world, of the people in it. They just cannot let things lie, they have stir you all about and try to get you to react, negatively or positively.
I tell the world, again and again, I do not want friends. I want no connection to anything, nothing to tie me to this place or to abuse me past this point I’ve already reached. For some reason, a few nights ago, I got it into my head to mess around in a chat room, just to see what would happen. I end up talking to this person who starts getting emotional about everything we’re talking about. They go on the defense constantly because they seem to assume that I am talking to them, thus I must want to hurt them in some way.
This person says to me ‘you’re all the same’, and I just sit back in my computer chair and laugh, thinking to myself, ‘if you only knew…’. Somehow we ended up talking for a few hours, after several attacks in my direction (based on ridiculous assumptions no less), but we still manage to have an interesting conversation between all of that. Then all of a sudden, nothing. I wait about 20 minutes, get impatient and shut off my computer. My tolerance for human beings runs at about 0, so the only thing the conversation did was get me angry and prove my point that people are assholes anyway, so it shouldn’t really matter.
I get up the next morning, switch everything on, and am bombarded with offline messages. Not only did the mystery person leave me a few, one of my old friends (who I admittedly consider dead at times) has decided to message me. Mystery person had logged back in a few hours after I left, because allegedly their power shut off. Now see, the night before, I thought I’d get away with it clean. I made the stupid mistake of going into a chat room in the first place, so really, I probably deserved to get burned, but I was hopeful that I would disengage myself from the entire activity all together with no reminders.
Mystery person has sent me a friend invite, which I mull over for a few hours, trying to gauge my own reaction. The main reason I couldn’t decide? I knew that if I didn’t accept the invite, I’d be bored. How fucked up is that? When I sat down and thought about it, I didn’t even give a flying fuck about the person or their problems. The only reason I talked to them was because I had nothing better to do at 2 in the morning. While I’m busy thinking about that, I get sent 2 emails. I go to check on those (while IMing with long lost friend). They turn out to be forwards from my mom, but going into my email account I realize there is an email in the ‘spam’ folder. I click on it. Guess what? Another long lost friend has decided they want to contact me. I haven’t talked to her for probably over a year now. I look at the email in amazement, thinking to myself, “now I already sent you to the land of the dead, goddamnit…stop being resurrected!”.
It just isn’t fair, it really isn’t. Why can’t these people go attach themselves to someone who gives a shit? By the way, I ‘declined’ mystery person’s friend invite without a backward glance after recieving the email from my long-suspected dead friend. I don’t need any more people latching onto me when their attentions are completely unwanted. I have one person I talk to, and that’s it! (And you know who you are…). Everyone else, well, I’m sorry (okay, maybe I’m not…) but fuck you. I’m sick of your pathetic attempts at friendship and being thrown in the garbage when you find someone ‘better’.
I have plans for all these people now, perhaps some revenge, who knows. Dish best served cold, right? I’ll participate, I’ll treat you good…then I’ll drop you, just like you stupid fucks deserve. They always come crawling back once they realize what they’ve lost. Too bad they lost more than the person they used to know (she no longer exists), but they’ve lost what little chances at redemption that they had. All in all, they lose. I win. And that’s all that matters.
As for coincidence…. It’s bullshit like this that makes me want to believe in fate. But I don’t. Mostly I just like to think of it as hateful thinking bringing about the beauty of the universe. This beauty, it’s revenge. And it’s been a long time, a long wait, and I’ve had enough happen to me to deserve a chance to cut through these people, sever whatever is still human in them. I don’t believe in the ultimate ideas of right and wrong, but I do believe that the strong can do whatever is in their power. Tearing down the weak and needy is first on my list of priorities. I’ll have to save my plans for myself for a little later, if I can convince myself to continue waiting, that is.