I’m not indifferent, I’m just an asshole.

There are times were it is blatantly obvious that something is seriously wrong with me. I can’t be compassionate, I can’t feel concern. I find myself feigning these emotions nearly every day now, because contact with others at this point in my life is unavoidable. I don’t believe it has anything to do with the people and not being close with them, because the truth is, I should be connected to them emotionally, in some way at least. I spend hours and hours with these people, I hear stories of just about everything. We often pass the slower hours cleaning, and much of the time I listen as they tell me about their lives. I know them. I’ve interacted with them in so many situations I feel as though I know more about these individuals than I do about friends I used to have. Something about a high-stress environment makes people feel comfortable with being very candid about their home lives and fears, and all else. And currently, there are about four people who are dealing with very difficult situations.

I zone out more often than not. I nod, though I’ve heard almost nothing. I say “I’m sorry,” but never mean it. I look into their eyes and find myself feeling no sympathy. I want to say to them cruelly at times, “You know nothing of pain. You don’t know what it means to be dead and alive at the very same time.” They talk about depression and manic depression and suicide, and I say nothing, or make some comment that any normal person would because I refuse to be discovered.

I will not share myself, not in that way. Emotionally I am beyond untouchable, and there is only one thing that has been able to draw any kind of benevolent feelings out of me. And what that is, I’m not even going to get in to because I am that afraid of it. Feeling anything causes me pause, I have become so unaccustomed to it. Flat nothingness is basically the full scope of my emotional range. Occasionally, very occasionally, I slip into blind rage, and that is the most I can expect.

Admittedly, there are times I want to laugh bitterly at these stories. What it would be to live a normal life and feel things! You know not what a gift you have been given. Your pain is beautiful to me. It is precious. I envy it, I desire it. I want to feel those things that I once did. I want to hurt because I am sad, not because I am numb and apathetic. I want to be able to cry without crashing waves of self-loathing. I want to know what it is like to care so much for other people that you take their pain onto yourself. I don’t understand such things. The rare times I have felt such feelings, they were unreciprocated. I was never cared for as much in return, and as a result, I cast that part of myself aside. I got rid of it because I couldn’t handle it.

I can’t be normal because I can’t take it. It drives me mad with hatred to care and not be cared for back. And that changed me. I am what I am because I allowed it all to tear me apart inside to the point that whatever loving emotions were present in me could no longer be salvaged.

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2 thoughts on “I’m not indifferent, I’m just an asshole.

  1. cricket March 1, 2010 / 10:52 pm

    Your journal entry served to ensure me I am not the only crazy person
    in the world-but that begs us to ask the question what or who represent
    the norm.” apathy,depression,hatred,life,..suicide” these negatives are surely there to help us see the positives if we only step back and view our
    world as but a small but important pience of a jigsaw puzzle we are unlikely to ever see solved. But as I to feel many of these same feelings
    and know when you do it is all consuming thought. Meditation practices
    can help along thses lines for in order to change negative and destructive
    thaought patterns we must summit our minds to a state where we have only an open mind withno preconcieved emotions, thoghts, behaviors, or
    coping patterns that may not be working.
    Although this field of belief is derived heavily from the BUddist teachings, most other religions are beliefs have noted the need to an empty mind if
    we are to move forward in a more positive light, even while the world seems to be going to a most undesirable place in a handbasket. It is up
    to you, and you alone, to change your world and to really work on your
    presumed goals of peacelveharmony.
    There is much to be depressed about wars, poor eductional practides, self- perpetuating crime that is esculating at an alarming rate in both urban and rural areas. Then THere are those things we have been raised to believe if we work hard, certain things will be affordabe and not make us
    quilt ridden consummers. BUT, here is the wort part, these day to day things are out of our hands as long as milk and eggs go up 40 cents every 3 weeks, a loaf of bread is over 2.00, and every item in the grocery store
    had nearly doubled in the past 5 years. Utilities are up, but we fight wars’ with the young people who are the future of our country , just to enable
    everyone to have freedom of choice when they by their SXL Van or Truck.
    What about affordable houseing. Is that not appropriate for all? Medical
    care–just a little nicity in an area whare we are sadly lacking better earily childhood screening for all children, not just the very poor or the very rich. And prenatal care that has benifited tremendolsly from March of
    Dimes research but has a long why to go.
    Why is everyong carrying around the burdon of poor eating hablits and
    suffering the consequeses , many related to depression and other types of
    physio-pshyco-biological and psysiological problems, only to be addressed
    by most doctors by the good old prescription pad.
    I hope you will think about these ramblings, and my biggest advise to you
    if you have not done so yet, adopt a kitten,puppy,cat, dog, or other pet
    from a rescue society if possible. You will gain a friend and companion,
    have less to worry about and more to laugh about, and you will be doing
    a really good thing for some poor animal that has lost its home.
    Also read, read ,read–the classics and general spiritual books that interest
    you. Good luck on your path , your journal is certainly a step in the right
    dirrection.

  2. Akima April 18, 2013 / 1:55 pm

    At the response above: Bullshit!

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