I think the only reason I am still alive at this point is because of my phases of absolute indifference toward myself. Then of course I wake up on days like today and the self-loathing is motherfucking palpable. I feel like this goddamned room is clouded with it, and all I want to do is throw things and hurt myself. I want to slam my fucking skull into a wall until its shattered into pieces under my scalp. I want to fucking pull off my fingernails with a pair of pliers. I want to bleed until I pass out.

But it all stays so pleasantly contained, at least to the point that no one will notice much. How’s that for self-control?


2 thoughts on “

  1. Teresa Silverthorn March 4, 2010 / 8:35 pm

    Wow. I am sitting here with my jaw dropped.

    Reading this makes me think that everything I write about is absolutely useless and inconsequential.

    Maybe I should delete my blog.


  2. Akima April 18, 2013 / 2:09 pm

    I know how it feels to desire that banging sound that rings in your ears every time you pound your head against a wall; how your vision blurrs and you’re about to see the stars when you just stop.
    Fucking Self-control.
    I’d say those who I’m holding myself back only for should be really grateful.
    There’s just no need to ‘Wow’, people.

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