despair

I can’t seem to do anything right. No matter what I am always weighed down by this feeling of being entirely out of place. I can’t seem to get happy about anything, and instead of that being tragic, it’s laughable to me. I want to believe that maybe I deserve it, but then there’s another part that secretly thinks no one should be condemned to complete dissatisfaction, to an overwhelming hatred of everything that is supposed to mean something. That’s the problem, see: nothing means anything. I can’t feel anything and therefore it doesn’t matter. Nothing has any real consequence.

I say this over and over. That’s what’s pathetic. It makes me want to delete everything and give it all up, but here it stays, because if I don’t say it, if I don’t keep freeing what’s bottled up inside, even in this anonymous, ridiculous way, I swear I’ll go mad. I’m off the wall as it is, and I’m getting steadily worse. I have to do this. I have to do this so that someone knows. Even if they don’t care. Even if they read this and ignore it and forget it. At least my words were heard, if only once, just once. At least someone took a few seconds to look, even if they didn’t care. That’s more than anyone else will do. At least this way I’m not nothing. I existed somewhere.

I’m terrified of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do, or where this is going. The last few days I’ve forced myself into some situations I really didn’t want to be in. I’ve just been at war with myself, pushing and pushing because I know that no one else will. No one believes in me that way, and I certainly don’t. All I know is that something has to change, and I am the only one who will do it because no one else will bother. They’d have it stay the same, if only for it to be easier.

I’m trying to be assertive even when it’s against my instincts. I’m aggressive, but only when pressured. I’ve had to drag it out of myself, find some scraps of ambition buried deep and fake all the confidence I don’t have. I truly don’t believe in myself and living this lie is killing me.

I don’t want to be all these things I’m not. I don’t want to live this way because it is what I’m supposed to do. What do those people know, anyway?

Nothing at all…just like me, just like everybody else.

Today at work I was so nervous I didn’t eat on my lunch even with my long shift. I waited four hours for my break to come, so I’d have a chance. I stood in the corner with my stomach churning, feeling like I was going to pass out, waiting for my boss to be alone so I could talk to her. I’ve been waiting for three days. Waiting for her mood to be right, waiting to get her alone so I wouldn’t have to say it in front of anybody else.

She was handing out checks and having us sign some sheets, and everyone was there, and I thought I wasn’t going to get my opportunity. I didn’t think I’d have the guts anyway. I was sure I’d back out of it like a coward as I always do, fought off by my own doubts, all those inner voices that keep me from doing anything of value in life. But then everyone wandered away and there were were alone.

And then the words just came out of my mouth, clear as day, everything I thought they wouldn’t be.

I went to my boss today and told her I’d like to skip all the other shit and just take the highest position she’ll give me.

She said yes.

And now I’m absolutely horrified by what I’ve done.

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3 thoughts on “despair

  1. Teresa Silverthorn March 6, 2010 / 8:00 am

    This is an odd coincidence.

    I was just talking to a child the other day, about this type of situation. I told them:

    If you want to use someone else’s opinion to assign your value, use someone who you respect. If they value you, stand on that opinion. And, move on – from that point.

    I have always done this. We tend to assign our personal value from those around us, rather than from within. Therefore, use the opinion of someone you respect, to give you validation.

    Your boss is someone you respect, at least in a certain framework.

    She gave you a validation for your efforts in your workplace.

    Do the math.

    Then, own the result.

    Congratulations are in order, not fear….

  2. imaginaryfears March 6, 2010 / 1:51 pm

    What a major step :) I’m really happy for you. And in awe that you actually moved and acted past the doubts. Even if it takes a while for us to make the move to do something, once it happens it can change everything. This only benefits you. It might not be easy and it may not even be what you really want, but you have it in you to have this whole situation turn out great, in your favor. You’ve inspired me to keep at it with my own job and to stick through all the bull**** that goes along with other people, even when it’s so painful to think about another day of dealing.
    Nobody else is who you are, and clearly the people you work with value you enough to take a risk and give you a chance. It’s just up to you and what you know you can handle or learn to handle moving forward. I really wish you only the best luck. You are too smart and driven to give up (I remember you saying some time ago that you don’t like to give up or quit) on a challenge like this. What do you have to lose? That’s what I ask myself a lot now when I’m indecisive and/or afraid of doing anything at all. It’s just the start of another experience. You will make it through no matter what you decide here. You’ve already done more than anyone could ask.

  3. Akima April 18, 2013 / 2:15 pm

    You were cared for, just know that.
    That’s all I wanted to say.

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