I can’t seem to do anything right. No matter what I am always weighed down by this feeling of being entirely out of place. I can’t seem to get happy about anything, and instead of that being tragic, it’s laughable to me. I want to believe that maybe I deserve it, but then there’s another part that secretly thinks no one should be condemned to complete dissatisfaction, to an overwhelming hatred of everything that is supposed to mean something. That’s the problem, see: nothing means anything. I can’t feel anything and therefore it doesn’t matter. Nothing has any real consequence.
I say this over and over. That’s what’s pathetic. It makes me want to delete everything and give it all up, but here it stays, because if I don’t say it, if I don’t keep freeing what’s bottled up inside, even in this anonymous, ridiculous way, I swear I’ll go mad. I’m off the wall as it is, and I’m getting steadily worse. I have to do this. I have to do this so that someone knows. Even if they don’t care. Even if they read this and ignore it and forget it. At least my words were heard, if only once, just once. At least someone took a few seconds to look, even if they didn’t care. That’s more than anyone else will do. At least this way I’m not nothing. I existed somewhere.
I’m terrified of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do, or where this is going. The last few days I’ve forced myself into some situations I really didn’t want to be in. I’ve just been at war with myself, pushing and pushing because I know that no one else will. No one believes in me that way, and I certainly don’t. All I know is that something has to change, and I am the only one who will do it because no one else will bother. They’d have it stay the same, if only for it to be easier.
I’m trying to be assertive even when it’s against my instincts. I’m aggressive, but only when pressured. I’ve had to drag it out of myself, find some scraps of ambition buried deep and fake all the confidence I don’t have. I truly don’t believe in myself and living this lie is killing me.
I don’t want to be all these things I’m not. I don’t want to live this way because it is what I’m supposed to do. What do those people know, anyway?
Nothing at all…just like me, just like everybody else.
Today at work I was so nervous I didn’t eat on my lunch even with my long shift. I waited four hours for my break to come, so I’d have a chance. I stood in the corner with my stomach churning, feeling like I was going to pass out, waiting for my boss to be alone so I could talk to her. I’ve been waiting for three days. Waiting for her mood to be right, waiting to get her alone so I wouldn’t have to say it in front of anybody else.
She was handing out checks and having us sign some sheets, and everyone was there, and I thought I wasn’t going to get my opportunity. I didn’t think I’d have the guts anyway. I was sure I’d back out of it like a coward as I always do, fought off by my own doubts, all those inner voices that keep me from doing anything of value in life. But then everyone wandered away and there were were alone.
And then the words just came out of my mouth, clear as day, everything I thought they wouldn’t be.
I went to my boss today and told her I’d like to skip all the other shit and just take the highest position she’ll give me.
She said yes.
And now I’m absolutely horrified by what I’ve done.