Devil may care

I’m supposed to leave my room because we have guests. But it’s not happening, not today. Thankfully, I have the excuse of preparing then leaving for work.

I’m so fucking sick of all the pretense. I don’t want to bother with other human beings, even ones I like, can’t you fucking see? I don’t know how I could possibly make it anymore clear other than by isolating myself even further. I literally have no friends here, and the conversations with people asking about who I hang around with and what I do all the time, are getting increasingly more awkward. I don’t do anything, I don’t have friends, is that alright with you?

Coworkers ask me to go places (yesterday it was the bar), and I can only cringe and shrug.

My facade is beginning to shatter. Of even concealing myself, I am beginning to not care. I am losing all faith in maintaining my last stitches of dignity. All is coming unraveled. I’ve been allowing my moodswings to show, I’ve been saying things I shouldn’t have. The other day someone said to me, “that might kill you,” to which I replied, “good” monotonously, numbly. He just gave me a weird look. I’ve never been like this before. Throughout everything I have always been paired up with a caution. But now. What the hell is happening to me? Why now? Why after so damn long?

I admitted to someone that I don’t really have friends, but that there are ‘people’ I talk to. Meaning someone on the internet. I just didn’t bring up the internet. I thought that might make it sound worse, be more worrisome and cause me more trouble. But at least it wasn’t a total lie.

Hell would have frozen the fuck over if the girl actually told the truth for once.

I don’t know what to do. I’m really confused. It’s happening so fast I’m not sure how to stop it. The worst part is, though, do I really want to? Does this not lead where I wish to go?

For once I truly am afraid.

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One thought on “Devil may care

  1. Matthew Van Temple March 27, 2010 / 12:28 pm

    Love your site.

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