It’s weird how you can be having a good day, then one single event can just fuck it all to hell. I was in a terrible mood yesterday, irritated and in pain. I wanted to hit every person who asked me, “are you okay?” Even my boss made a comment about how I was looking. I automatically said ‘fine’ instead of ‘good’ when she asked how I was, and was totally unenthusiastic (which I never am; I always put on a show that I’m happy to be there even when I’m ready to murder myself) otherwise. When I cracked a joke just to make myself seem less pitiful, she laughed, though it had a hint of nervousness to it. She must remember our very long conversation about work. I did finally stand up for myself, but even now I’m skeptical of things actually changing like I want them to.
I’m not really worried. What comes, comes. There is no use fighting everything every step of the way, because if there is one thing I have learned, things tend to fall into place no matter what. As long as I keep my distance, so long as I don’t slip up, I will somehow manage, even while everything falls down all around.
And it always does. Everything has a breaking point, and in this job I can sense it more than anything else. Too much is going wrong for it to stay placid. It’s boiling beneath the surface already, and it’s only a matter of time before everything starts to show just how ugly it has all become.
I suspect that a lot of people hate me already.