Learned helplessness.

So I have made a little bit of progress. I’ve regressed as well, but I guess other posts demonstrate that. I’m going to avoid talking about it here.

I finally got put in the front. I finished most of the computer training, and all that was left was to try it out. I wasn’t very quick at it (to be expected), and I repeatedly had to keep double checking the change I was handing out. I nearly handed out the wrong amount because I was so overwhelmingly nervous, but I noticed just as I was about to give it to a customer, and fixed the problem. My hands were shaking really badly and I know I was probably talking too quietly, but one of the managers stood next to me the whole time, encouraging me.

Thankfully my stint was short because they ended up calling me to the back (as usual; this has happened countless times and is the reason I only just got to work register today, two weeks AFTER I was originally scheduled…). They forgot both of my ten minute breaks even though it wound up being 9 hour day. I finally reminded them about a half hour before I was going to leave, so I got at least one.  

Later I went to the store to get some things I’ve been putting off. I ended up going to the grocery side and picking out something to eat since I hadn’t had much of a chance earlier. It was really crowded everywhere, so I went to the back to checkout, but even there I had to wait in a long line. I’m much better at buying things now; though there is always a flutter of uncertainty and nervousness. I usually say almost nothing to the checker unless I have to. So when they finally opened another checkstand, even though I was going to be next and should have gone, I froze, not in the mood to fight over it. Some guy from the back of the line rushed over there. I just raised an eyebrow. The lady behind me was not so tolerant.

After getting yelled at by the woman behind me, the guy ended up irritably walking back to the line when she mentioned how long I had been waiting and how rude it was to cut ahead of me when I only had one thing to buy. It was odd being defended by a stranger. I can’t even recall the last time someone stood up for me like that. I muttered a thanks (I’m sure she didn’t hear me; it was painfully low) and shyly went over to the other side, knowing everyone was watching. I could hear the guy and the woman arguing as I swiped my card.

What was weird, was it happened again, this same outing, at another store I went to, though that time it was the checker who made the guy get out of line.

I guess it was just my lucky day. Best to savor it; doesn’t happen often.


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