The other day I claimed I was sick; it was partially true, but I was more ‘sick of’ than sick. My boss has caused some problems for me at work since I told her some things about what another employee had said (very bad things, things that made me angry). She handled the problem with no tact whatsoever, so I will not be returning to her again to help with any problems. I’ve decided I can either continue being quiet or speak out. What am I afraid of anyway? Being hated? Hasn’t it been that way all along? When has anything ever been easy for me? I seem to make enemies no matter how nice I am or how much I protect other people. I gave up on not being hated a long time ago, didn’t I?
Maybe not. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ve been playing too nicely this last year, even when I knew everyone else had something to hold against me. They don’t like that I get so many hours, or that I try to run things. But what am I to do when no one else will? No one will take charge of anything there, so I do. Don’t like it? Then why don’t you stop me? It’s not like I’d mind. I’m just so tired of walking into a disorganized wreck every damn day.
I’m a manager now, but I feel like it’s changed nothing. Now they just leave me up front, sometimes for a half hour, hand me the keys and tell me to run the store. I don’t have any of the training they do, as my job is below theirs; I just run an area, not the store. But now, because they know they can get away with it, they just leave me up there to do their job while they’re on break, instead of getting one of the people who are qualified to do i.. I don’t know how any of the computers work, or have the codes to help the people on registers. I just guess. It seems like I’m always thrown into doing a job I’m not being paid for, not trained for, and it makes me angry. I get so stressed out by it, I end up going home and crying.
I don’t know why I bother with anything. I don’t want any of this. It’s so pointless and all it does is make me infuriated that I was ever born, that anyone thought it was a good idea to help me grow up. Why couldn’t I have been left behind to die quietly?
I want none of this, and things have only gotten worse. I’m confused and so numb, that I just let it keep going on, dragging me behind it unwillingly.