Why bother bothering?

The other day I claimed I was sick; it was partially true, but I was more ‘sick of’ than sick. My boss has caused some problems for me at work since I told her some things about what another employee had said (very bad things, things that made me angry). She handled the problem with no tact whatsoever, so I will not be returning to her again to help with any problems. I’ve decided I can either continue being quiet or speak out. What am I afraid of anyway? Being hated? Hasn’t it been that way all along? When has anything ever been easy for me? I seem to make enemies no matter how nice I am or how much I protect other people. I gave up on not being hated a long time ago, didn’t I?

Maybe not. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ve been playing too nicely this last year, even when I knew everyone else had something to hold against me. They don’t like that I get so many hours, or that I try to run things. But what am I to do when no one else will? No one will take charge of anything there, so I do. Don’t like it? Then why don’t you stop me? It’s not like I’d mind. I’m just so tired of walking into a disorganized wreck every damn day.

I’m a manager now, but I feel like it’s changed nothing. Now they just leave me up front, sometimes for a half hour, hand me the keys and tell me to run the store. I don’t have any of the training they do, as my job is below theirs; I just run an area, not the store. But now, because they know they can get away with it, they just leave me up there to do their job while they’re on break, instead of getting one of the people who are qualified to do i.. I don’t know how any of the computers work, or have the codes to help the people on registers. I just guess. It seems like I’m always thrown into doing a job I’m not being paid for, not trained for, and it makes me angry. I get so stressed out by it, I end up going home and crying.

I don’t know why I bother with anything. I don’t want any of this. It’s so pointless and all it does is make me infuriated that I was ever born, that anyone thought it was a good idea to help me grow up. Why couldn’t I have been left behind to die quietly?  

I want none of this, and things have only gotten worse. I’m confused and so numb, that I just let it keep going on, dragging me behind it unwillingly.   

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3 thoughts on “Why bother bothering?

  1. imaginaryfears July 23, 2010 / 6:05 pm

    Sounds painful. I’m sorry it’s been so rough for you in this new position and that nothing seems to have gotten better. All I can say though is if it’s really not what you want, give it up to someone else. Let them go, move on. I don’t know why I say that like it’s the easiest thing in the world but letting things go (possessions, job, fear) is what I’m best at these days so I can’t speak. I don’t know how you’ve stayed in this situation for so long and it still amazes me. It’s what ever you want to do. Stay and make it work, leave for something different. But it’s not as black and white as this is it…sorry I can’t help you out here. What I say is a mess.

    Whatever happens though, you’ve gotten so much as far as experience goes. Dealing with different personalities, stress on the job, taking the initiative to make change…those are things they look for. Knowledge you could take anywhere, you know?

  2. Just some girl February 13, 2011 / 11:44 am

    I kind of know how you feel… Except, I’m not out of school yet. I used to have a teacher like your boss, but now it feels like a very long time ago.
    But now, I have found someone who likes me, someone beautiful and kind and down to Earth. Now, I actually have faith that there are wonderful people in the world, I guess I wasn’t looking hard enough before. I sound like an idiot, don’t I? But still, even if I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to say… *sigh*
    And, at least you have great taste in music :)

  3. Akima April 23, 2013 / 2:20 pm

    I understand.
    Sometimes I’m just so very tired. I just want to stand there among them, frozen in time, frozen in life. I just want to stop, desperately. It’s just so hard sometimes. I try to look at it as optimistic as I can, but this sense of not belonging in present in every aspect of my life. I’m not made for this, and yet I keep going on with it. I know it’s a slow death, one that I’ve always been afraid of, and yet I’m the one choosing this misery.
    Funny that realizing that misery is the only thing that gives me comfort, assures me that I’m me, that makes me live when I so desperately want to not live, just for one fucking moment…
    Please.

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