One simple hole.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with me. Maybe I’m just worse than I thought.

I’m supposed to get another promotion (to the manager’s position above my own) by the end of August/beginning of September, and I’m still deeply considering leaving altogether, regardless of how good the experience would be for me. Let’s face it, I’m true to my nature: I like to buy things. I’ve bought myself a sewing machine and special ordered all the supplies so that I can start making corsets and other things, but I keep thinking how much better I’d feel if I was doing all these hobbies full time instead of wasting 160+ hours a month at a fucking piece of shit job that I can’t stand, with people I can stand even less.

I admit it; I do nothing but bide my time. I’m buying things because I desperately need a distraction. From life. From being alive.  I don’t know what to do. Yes, that’s right. I don’t know. I have no idea. I have no aspirations, no goals. I’m so short-term it’s becoming difficult for even me to fathom. I don’t know my hours for work until the night before, when I bother myself enough to check so I might go to bed earlier/later.

Sometimes it’s far too much to handle. I feel like the strain doesn’t go away anymore; there is no ‘relaxing’ when I get home because I’m just too wound-up to be fixed overnight now. Everything hurts physically; my hands have callouses, which they’ve never had, my feet never stop their constant ache, and bending at all is an agony I try to avoid.

It sounds like a whole lot of bitching and complaining, but what’s funny is that I almost never say anything. I just suck it up and deal with it, because it seems ridiculous to moan about it when it’s all my parents have ever done their entire lives: work to the point of perpetual exhaustion. It’s only been a little over a year, what would 4-5 feel like? How about 20? I know that I’m just weak and not cut out for it. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m never good enough.

I swear I try as hard as I can.

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One thought on “One simple hole.

  1. imaginaryfears July 30, 2010 / 7:15 am

    Wow, sewing? Sounds really great to fall into with all the ideas you could bring to life :) I hope you do find time to do what you’ve been wanting to.
    I told my mother a few days ago that I’d rather live a short life doing what I want to do than to live years and years always putting off my hobbies and passions. Waiting until there aren’t many years left to finally do what you love has never and will never make sense to me. We’re both in a position to change that outcome. Live for yourself and what you want to do. Absolutely nothing else matters more in my opinion. It’s something to be furious about when other meaningless things want to get in the way of that. I wish it was easier to just be. Just as much as I wish so often it was easy to just “be no more”, you know?

    You’re in my thoughts. Take care.

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