I’m going to be honest and confess that my job is turning me into an absolute, undeniably evil, fucking bitch. I’m to the point now where I have trouble containing myself. I used to pride myself in my self-control. It’s whittled down to nothing now and I stand around expecting myself to snap any moment. People can’t seem to stop pushing, and each time they do it, I grind my teeth. But now I can’t bite my tongue; I just say a nicer version of what I am thinking, which usually comes off as sarcastic and rude anyway. I guess that’s better than threatening.
I’ve been shoved by every possible onlooker into management, even though I’ve repeatedly refused the position. I keep hearing, “everyone thinks of you as a manager” and “you’re ready”, and all that bullshit that people tell you when they want something out of you. It’s becoming clearer and clearer who my enemies are, and with such an extensive staff, those individuals are many. I’ve given up hope at this point. My lack of concern is swallowing me up like it has always intended. Apathy keeps me from quitting. That and fear. I do not like to start from the beginning; I have a niche and I’d like to keep it. It’s part lazy, part I-don’t-give-a-shit . . .
I have no drive to become anything or go anywhere. I’m letting the path lead me because I feel no need to take an active stance in my own life at this point. I will buy things and sit in this room, because that is what pleases me. As far as I am concerned, there is little else for now.