It’s days like these that I am infuriated to find that I’ve woken up. Here it is all over again, and it’s not going to go away any time soon. I’m not going to get better. If I stay, this is what it is going to be for the rest of my life. I’m going to be in a job I can’t stand, in a relationship with someone I don’t even like, and spending every moment having to hide my crippling problems and deteriorating sanity.

And every damn time I pick up a gun, I hate that I’m too weak to make this just stop. I don’t want to inflict pain anymore; I want to end this mindless existence. I can’t say that to the fucking therapist, I can’t say that to my friend, because deep down it scares them and they don’t want to hear it, and they’d do anything just to get me off their hands so that they never have to come into contact with my problems again.

I hate you. I hate you for running away, and I hate you for being indifferent to my suffering. I laugh and am glad that you don’t know what it’s like. I take comfort in knowing this is too dark for you and I’m the only one that has any chance of coming back from it intact. That is the only strength I have.


3 thoughts on “sickness

  1. buttermilk80 March 15, 2011 / 8:17 am

    There is a life which has nothing to do with the world around us. It is even inside you. You know it’s there because when you reach for the gun you are unable to follow through. This is the Lord Jesus who is not allowing you to “check out”. He’s calling to you and protecting you from finishing what He began in you.

    I know this because I was where you are many times. It’s kind of like a “lump” of want to deep within your soul. That is the life of eternity calling you. Stop a moment and just breathe. Whisper His name and wait. He’s been there with you since the day you were made.

    What He wants is to give you a purpose and a life which can withstand an onslaught of pain. The peace He offers is never effected by this world. Even unto being sawn in two, people have endured the pain of this world because of His power within them. I know this peace and every day I live now I seek to speak about the One who rescued me from a utterly hopeless life.

    By His Grace.

  2. buttermilk80 March 15, 2011 / 8:18 am

    Actually, you’re blessed to be where you are in this horrible pain. It’s at our bottom that we begin to look up.

  3. Boots April 25, 2011 / 11:15 am

    When I feel this way, I fantasize about becoming a war journalist. They sure don’t seem to live long, but they do a lot of good.

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