You have to understand that even the simple act of giving you access to this is psychologically painful to me. It is similar to tearing open a wound. Nothing in the world is worse to me than revealing to others where my true weaknesses lie. I’ve been led to believe that to be open to others is to invite in pain. It is nothing but an open invitation for people to harm, degrade, and eventually destroy you. There has never been a time when I have self-disclosed and not come to regret it. If I regret it with you, then it must be known that there will be consequences. I never forget, and above all. never forgive.


Self-doubt is a poison.

I’ve been so anxious for two days that I’ve barely been able to function. I feel like eating is an exercise in torture. I’m so angry, I shake from the physical effort it is taking to restrain myself and stay professional. I don’t know how one person can get away with antagonizing and hurting so many people. I know the hammer of judgment will fall heavy for this individual, however, it cannot be soon enough. She antagonized me and pushed me so badly that I left her a sobbing, useless mess and felt no pity. I didn’t even have to speak all the words for her to crumble away into nothing more than a tantrum-throwing petulant child. I can only hope that my actions, though surprisingly mild, will not be seen in an ill light by those above me. I swear I have done no wrong. There is no justice if this person is not severely punished for lying and tearing apart anyone she comes into contact with.

I can’t do this alone, and I’m terrified. I dream that they will come after me like a pack of wolves and rip me to shreds. I just want to get out of this intact, and preferably still with a job.

I will not fail. I will not give in. This is the one thing I must win.