I’m a little frightened. I’m getting that feeling again, the one I’ve been managing to keep at arm’s length for a while now. I feel like I’m falling back into it again. It’s becoming more frequent because now I don’t have 9 hours a day to ignore it all and get worn out to the point where it doesn’t matter.
I feel so wrong and lost again. I’m not sure how it happened so fast, but everything is going back to hopeless and bleak and all I want is to just be so numb as to not care… I have no desires that I feel are attainable. I want to fall back into my little hole and never come out. I’m angry at my situation not because I am once again jobless, but because no one fucking gets it. This isn’t for me. How could they not see that about me? I don’t want to work the way normal people do; I want to go out and be independent in ways that aren’t considered normal or attainable. To me, there would be nothing greater than to walk out into the woods and never come back.
I want to make my own way, live or die, sink or swim. It’s my own fault and I deserve my fate if I am not good enough. It’s how things should be. I want to be tested. I want to be found worthy or unworthy; I care not which.
Everything is useless and meaningless and I should not spend my time filling in the cracks that were never meant to be filled. I am unwhole because I am nothing more than a pointless animal in a pointless cage with no value or meaning. You aren’t anything until you’re out, and maybe for some that sense of freedom can be gained by conventional means. If only it could be that way for me. The only conventional solution I can come to is complete and utter isolation for an extended period.
And I know how I can do it.