I feel really blank and crappy. It’s four in the morning and sleep is no closer. I have no appetite and I’ve been more prone to avoid people than usual. I tried to spend time with my godfather, but he has a tendency to be fairly quiet and difficult to converse with. He tends to barb me with his blunt remarks, all of which are his idea of banter. I’m to the point where when any of them come over I’ll lurk in the pantry, leaning against the doorway, watching everyone interact but not involving myself. I’m not sure why, but everything people do is becoming even more mundane than before; it’s literally like that feeling when you’ve seen a movie you don’t particularly like 10 or 15 times. You know what happens, you don’t like what happens, yet every time you walk into the room, the movie is playing whether you like it or not. You have to face it or shut the door on it. Sometimes shutting the door is easier.
When I went upstairs for a nap, I got no reprieve. Phone calls and texts, to the point that I finally put that piece of shit on vibrate because I couldn’t take hearing “Du Riechst so Gut” anymore. It rang/beeped so many times that I must have gotten 20 or 30 minutes of real, true sleep out of the entire 2 hours. What’s ridiculous is that I was so groggy I was having trouble figuring out what was waking me repeatedly. I was in that weird half sleep thing, where if I wasn’t fully asleep, I wasn’t very awake either. I’m not sure if I’m sick or what, but I just feel incredibly off, and my mood is so flat that I’m having trouble handling it.
In more positive news, I finished the desk I was working on. It’s lovely. Everything is all cleared out so that it has a spot now. There are tons of drawers for me to throw my bullshit in without it cluttering up the tabletop. I have a thing about bits of paper; they’re everywhere. But I can’t seem to throw them away, so I end up shoving them in drawers so I don’t have to make any conscious, adult decision about them.