Getting up was the hardest thing today. Once I convinced myself, I was only out of bed for about an hour, then immediately retreated again. I must have slept 16-17 hours. I got up again at 7pm, but felt so terrible, back I went to bed again. I didn’t eat or drink until late in the night, wherein I treated myself to a binge, which, surprisingly enough (but not really), made me feel even worse. I haven’t showered, or brushed my hair, or accomplished much of anything besides laying around. I know I’m protesting something, but I’m still not entirely sure what. I’m so disgusted by common life that there have been times I have flirted with the idea of a semi-permanent sleep. One created from repeatedly drugging myself with anything just to keep me subdued and unconscious so that I might ‘sleep off’ my bad spells until I am ready to face whatever this is once again.
I won’t go back to whatever I was doing before. It’s fucking bullshit. I’m so sick of being a fucking slave. I’m going to hate everyone just like I’ve always wanted and I’m going to lie and take without fucking permission. There’s nothing to hold me back anymore; I am too numb to care. I want all these things and I grow weary of being told what I can and cannot do by people who supposedly give a shit about me.
I may live in your home, but I paid my goddamn way. Who the fuck are you to tell me how to live? I paid for your fucking bullshit! Doing what you have doesn’t seem to have worked out so well for you. I’m waiting for the day you confront me again and tell me what I need to do. I don’t need to do anything. Don’t you get that your bullshit is what’s hanging over my head? Don’t you get that everyday I sit here, I imagine you’re going to walk in and tell me what a useless piece of shit I am? I want you to kick me out. Because believe me, I desire nothing more than freedom. Just give me another damn reason.
I’m going to say something tomorrow, but I just don’t know what it’s going to be.