You know what I hate? I hate those times when this realization comes to you, obliterating some shielded, pathetic candle of hope. It comes creeping up so slowly that it almost doesn’t register, then it peers over your shoulder, whispering with its wet breath tickling your ear until it becomes so unpleasant that you can do nothing but flinch and acknowledge it.
I’ve been trying to look at things differently, though admittedly that’s not really within the spectrum of shit I happen to be capable of. By nature, I am a pessimist. If life is terrible, it can only get worse, and the only way you can live through those storms is to huddle up in a corner and bear it. Fighting does nothing. I can change things all I want, but the moment you let in outside influences, they are guaranteed to fuck you up. They will take you for all you have. They will take your ideas. They will mind fuck you so bad that you feel as though you can’t bear it. You’ll forget why you’re doing this, why you’re going on. Why you keep to this path, determined to find something, and absolutely terrified of truly having to live.
God, the truth is, it’s more scary to have to plan a future than to have things simply end. It would be so easy to stop, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to go to the very end. I don’t know why anymore. I just know that I want to obtain as many things as I can and be surrounded by what I love. There is no solace to be had, no answer to the riddle. I can have these few things that please me, and go on living with no reason or purpose except to find more things that awaken something inside. It’s so hard being so cold. What I would give for a flicker of anything… Oh, and when it comes… It will rain down on me, fire and brimstone, either white-hot anger or the crippling vines of depression whose grasp I will likely never escape.
The grass isn’t always greener as they say. I am more careful now for what I will; sometimes we don’t know what’s best for ourselves. It’s so much easier to live the lie than to turn around and force yourself to stand up to the truth.