Everything is so strange right now. I’ve been trying to make sense of it, but for fear of returning to my old ways, I feel as though the best course of action is to carry on, and try not to stop and remember that there isn’t a reason why. I could say I’m not depressed, but it wouldn’t be true; I’m simply in a different state of mind. There’s this odd indifference that seems to be worsening. I have no real concerns for anything—I’m just moving along because I know if I stop and look back, there will be nothing there that I see as worthwhile.
I’ve wasted a lot of time, but I can tolerate things now better than I could previously. That’s a start, I guess. I’m doing things I never thought I’d try, and even though the voice inside tells me it’s not going to last, I’m not going to back away. I’ve been spending a lot of money, and I strangely don’t care. There are things I want, things to make me more comfortable, and I realize now that those comforts are all I have. There’s companionship and all of that, but it makes no impact on that void that has always been.
There’s something hollow and cut-off inside of me. It makes me so cold sometimes, so cold that I can’t cry, that I can’ feel anything at all. It’s a bliss compared to that old pain, but people don’t understand it. They can’t understand the way I can block off things, or the way that crashing waves can just slide on passed me without even getting my clothes wet. They don’t know what it is to be a person who doesn’t understand some of the basic emotions.
It’s so bad now that I almost can’t write. My characters come out cold and cruel because I can’t remember what they are supposed to feel or think, I just know the beautiful grey nothingness, and what it means to be this inhuman, monstrous thing. But god, what it is to live in a world with no emotional pain. It takes a smashing blow to even begin to crack the veneer. And even then, there’s this sick satisfaction because I know it won’t last long. My emotions—the few that there are—are so fleeting that they are nothing more than blinks in my existence.
I’ve been trying to fake it, to seem normal, but the concern over people ‘discovering’ me is waning. I make flat, half-hearted attempts, because in my core I don’t care. Let them hate, let them think I’m some kind of freak. Haven’t they always anyway?
I’m nearly 23, and I realize now that I don’t care where life takes me. I don’t want to go to college, I have no interest in having a particular vocation. All I know is that regardless of my situation I plan to take and get what I want. There is nothing in my way but people, people who will fold at your slightest insistence, and I’m seeing that now. I’m seeing the power I have always had but been too withdrawn and shy to use.
You have to be forceful, and you have to learn to not care, and I am learning. I’m putting myself out there. I’ve been letting people have a go at me, letting them laugh, letting them criticize, and the more I do, the less and less their words seem to matter. I want what I want, and their desires don’t make a shit bit of fucking difference. They can tear down my art, or the things I write. Let them. It hasn’t been stopping me, not like it used to. The smallest criticism and I would tear up a drawing, or not finish a story. I was doing things for them, and now I want to do things for me. I want to make what I like, write about what interests me, not what’s going to win the popularity contest.
I’ve been saying this for so long, but now it’s truly sinking in. I am actually getting it. I am believing it, and it’s changing me. I never thought I’d develop a thicker skin, but here it is, and I know that not long from now it will be impenetrable. There’s nothing wrong with fading into selfishness. What is it they say? You have to love and take care of yourself, put your needs first, before you can take care of others? Well, I am starting to believe it.
I’ve made so many stupid choices, but I can see now. I’m going to go where I want to go, and I’m not going to be held back anymore. And let them scoff. No one has to like me. Even the nastiest people can get what they want, so long as they are willing to fight for it.