Bullshit bullshit and more bullshit

So I have something called chronic sinusitis. It’s basically like having a cold, except it’s a cold that doesn’t go away for months and months. In fact, it’s been almost six months now, with no signs of it miraculously healing. I’m dirt poor and saving for a house at the moment, so a trip to the doctor to possibly get treated (which by the way, could take months…) isn’t exactly in the cards for me.

And in slightly better news, since this bout with sickness and my uncle’s death a few days ago have made me absolutely paranoid, I sucked it up and went down to Planned Parenthood to get STD screenings. It feels like I’ve been sick since the dawn of time, even before this whole nasal cavity thing. Now, granted, that was probably do to constant, extreme physical/mental distress, but who really fucking knows, and since I have been exposed to several people with STDs (not sexually; I’m not a slut…yet), I thought it would be good to rule that part out and make sure I’m not spreading some unfortunate crotch disease to my partner or parents. How would I have contracted such a thing? I really don’t know. I’ve been tattooed, could have possibly come into contact with infected blood—but the chances are very minimal. In fact they didn’t want to give me the extra Hepatitis C test, but I demanded it (and paid extra) anyway. The good news: I am not HIV positive. The bad news: I have to wait two weeks for the other tests to come back (there’s about 4 in all).

And in more bad news, I have to go back for more stuff as well, though thankfully, since I am unemployed, this part will be free—apparently it doesn’t matter if you’re sleeping around with everyone spreading communicable diseases, but it DOES matter if you’re going around not using birth control.  I’ll get the usual lovely round of prodding and staring (as if the Q-tip in the bathroom and the little directions chart weren’t enough…). I’m not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. Mostly I’m worried they’re going to judge me because of my chest tattoo, or because I’m scarred from the tops of my knees to the tops of my thighs with what can’t be mistaken with anything other than what they are: self-inflicted wounds. But hafuckingzzah. Life goes on.

Also, I got an order from someone and I fucked it up. I spent $40 in supplies that I can’t use or return. Did I mention I was short on cash? Anyway, I may have it sorted out now, and I have my fingers crossed that what I ordered this time will be the correct size. If it isn’t, I well and truly am fucked, and I might have to cry about it.

I’m not going to lie; I’m worried. But I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it? As long as I hadn’t given something to somebody, then it wouldn’t matter half so much. I just don’t want my stupid mistakes to be given to someone else to deal with. I just keep thinking about all the times I’ve bled and when someone else could have come into contact with it. The times are many. What if they didn’t wash their hands and then ate food or something? What if when I shared a drink with someone, I had that bloody lip like I get sometimes when I’m stressed and I bite until it bleeds? I’ve left blood around the rims of my glasses before. I would think I would be smart enough to notice if I was sharing something with someone, but if it can be as microscopic as a pin-prick… I don’t even know. But the likelihood is hopefully extremely low. They’re always on about blood to blood contact, not blood to mouth contact. But if you can get things from unprotected oral sex, why couldn’t you get it from accidentally ingesting someone’s blood? And how do I know I didn’t get something from having open wounds on my lip? They even mentioned using someone’s toothbrush, which I haven’t, but still… It sounds paranoid, yeah, I get it, but three people in my family have had Hepatitis C. I’m more worried about the tattoos than anything. I went to a good tattooist, but you really don’t know, and I should have been more nosy, I should have asked. If there is anything I got, it’s my own fault, I know that. I just hope my paranoia is unfounded.

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