I’ve come to the conclusion that paint cans lie. This whole ‘clear gloss’ thing is a fucking sham. It goes on clouded and not remotely shiny, which is a pain in the ass when you’re trying to make an art project that someone has paid for, and hours of work are nearly ruined by a bullshit product. I bought FOUR different cans. You would think one of them would do what the label says. The store here is out of my normal gloss. They’ve been out for over a month now. There’s this spot for about 30 cans, and it’s empty. I have no idea when they’ll get it back in stock. And of course, the gloss that actually works is monumentally hard to find.
In slightly more interesting news, I’m almost positive my friend wants to fuck my boyfriend. Things have gone from awkward to extremely awkward. Funny thing is, I’m not mad. We’re all human, we have desires. I’m more irritated about the fact that she spends her time fawning over him instead of me. Fucked up, right? I told him today, and he said he had no idea, which I believe him. He has a way of being oblivious, and from some of his comments, I know he’s not interested in her that way. She’s psycho; we all know this. Do we still like her? Of course, but just don’t hand her your marbles or she’ll right fuck them up. You keep your distance, but enjoy her just the same.
Anyway, not exactly sure what the future will hold for us. I see the friendship burning out, as I did from the start. It is what it is. Her feelings don’t really change my opinion of her, just make me a little more numb to whatever our friendship is at this point. I can’t decide if I care enough to save it. I never do, that’s the problem. I’m so used to shutting people out, that it doesn’t hurt me anymore to send them on their way. I have no feelings about it. I got what I needed for the time being, and that is that. People are like food, and once you’re full you don’t need them anymore. But then you’re without for awhile and you crave it again, so for the hell of it, you try something else. The cycle repeats indefinitely. And I’m okay with that. That realization used to terrify me, but now it’s as much of a fact as death. I know it’s coming from the get go, and there’s no reason to fret over things we cannot (or will not) change.
Also, being vegetarian sucks. It really does. I love vegetables, but by fucking God, I am hungry all the time, non stop. I’ve been having to intermingle all the vegetables with a tiny bit of meat here and there just so I don’t commit murder because of the hunger pains. I think it’s the new pills I’m taking, but I’m not sure. Today I ate meat, and it honestly changed nothing. I’m still really hungry. I’m used to hunger, probably more than most. Doing water fasts for several days was never something that was hard for me, but somehow this hunger is totally different. It’s that gnawing kind that keeps turning into nausea. Weird. I know I’m not pregnant (just got tested a few days ago in fact), so the only conclusion I can gather is it’s either the food or the pills. I’ve been intermittently having vegetarian meals for awhile now, blending them in with my normal diet. The last few days have been the only time I’ve been vegetarian exclusively. I’m sort of testing it out to see if I can tolerate it, but we shall see. I’m one of the most carnivorous creatures on the planet; there have been times where I wouldn’t see a vegetable for weeks, despite the fact that I do like them.
Also, I’m a raging bitch. I know that’s not new, but when I say that, I mean excessively so. I want to take things and throw them into the wall. It’s not shark week, so I have no idea what the hell is going on with me. I’m guessing odd hormone fluctuations all around. Every time I try to take birth control it fucks me up. I turn into a blubbering mess or a rageaholic, so I’m going to guess that’s what’s happening now. It’s only been three days, so I don’t see how it could get into my system so fast. But with my hormones so off the chart already, maybe I’m having a bad reaction? Whatever it is, it made me curl up under the blankets for several hours just so I could avoid all human contact.