A prolonged silence

I’ve lost a ton of weight, and now I’m into full-on bingeing. Like the kind of eating where you feel like you’re going to die the whole time, and when it is over, it passes, you’re disappointed that you didn’t. Then you have to live with the repercussions, and it’s kind of funny, that terrible misery, where you can’t even lay on your stomach because you know that you’ll be in extreme pain. And you can’t throw up because your gag reflex doesn’t work, and no matter how many pills you take or how much water you drink, you just won’t fucking purge. And it feels like everything is hinged on this, this terrible, horrible cycle.

I’ve been eating about 4000 calories per binge, and that’s not including my normal meals throughout the day. I’ve been countering it with constant exercise and fasting. I haven’t gained. Miraculous, that. I don’t know what to do, or how to stop, or even if I want to stop. I want to suffer. I deserve it. I deserve everything I get. I hate myself still. I hate myself fat, and I hate myself now, whatever this is. I’m ‘average’ yet I feel huge and disgusting, and that’s not the half of it. Nothing will make me happy, that is the depressing truth, and all I want is to suffer for my sins. I want to suffer for my weakness, for my vanity. I want to tear apart everything that chains me here, and I want to find all those little things about me, those liabilities, and burn them out from the root. 

I want to start again, with a shell and a being that I don’t despise.

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One thought on “A prolonged silence

  1. Akima March 30, 2013 / 10:41 pm

    I’m not sure. I think my very existence, that I’m still living and breathing in this world, is a living hell. Imagine suffering on a daily basis. It’s a relief that I haven’t gone mad yet. Anyone would, anyone who’d wish for death every night, anyone whose thoughts all reach a certain point named suicide, anyone who wakes up in the morning to find himself living another day once more.
    I’m not sure I want to live in this world anymore. Maybe if I was more aggressive, if I was more reckless to leave everything behind me, I would have, but the end wouldn’t be different. It’d either be the destruction of this world or my own demise.
    I guess that is your right, if that’s what you really want, to start again the way you like it, after all you’ve gone through.

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