The door out

I tell myself again and again that I have meaning, that there is some grand purpose I’m going to fulfill that will make every miserable second entirely worth it. It seems foolish to put so much emphasis on one thing, but what else can there be?

The overwhelming hopelessness drowns me. I try to be optimistic for you, but my strength is waning. I can barely even hope for myself. Light always abandons. Even a sun doesn’t explode forever. I know it will come back to me on the tide. I will grit my teeth and wait. Even darkness is not everlasting.

Is it petty that I am jealous? Or would it please you, I wonder? I know it would please me.

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One thought on “The door out

  1. wanderergoneastray July 2, 2013 / 5:06 am

    You have meaning, there’s no doubt in that, and the meaning is who you are, the real you. You should know how valuable that is.
    However, I’m not sure about the purpose myself. It seems so stupidly pointless if there was no reason, no purpose behind it all. It seems so bitterly ridiculous to think that He created us just because He could…
    You’re right, nothing is everlasting. But how can darkness abandon us in the end when light has already forsaken us? Isn’t darkness ingrained in us?
    I wished if I could do the same for you, to give you the same hope you’ve been trying to kindle inside this darkness, but I don’t know if I can. I wanted to reach out and take your hand, to give you the encouragement you might never need, the reassurance, but…
    I’m drowning in my pessimism; in this hopelessness that makes me afraid, makes me bitter, makes me hateful.

    There’s nothing petty about it. I’m just as jealous; maybe even more. You know the reason.

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