There’s a hunger that can’t be sated. I find myself climbing raggedly, obsessively, toward a peak of satisfaction only to be denied upon reaching it, cast back down the mountain, like an inconsequential stone.
I can’t seem to stop. I’ve been having sex compulsively, eating like I will never do it again, and sleeping until the pain of laying down is too much to bear. The enjoyment is either substantial or nothing, like a coin is tossed and fate is decided upon it. And the last few times I’ve touched myself, I can’t finish. I lay frustrated, covered in sweat and breathing heavy, unable to be angry and too demolished in every manner to discern the reason why. Everything is broken, and I feel like the jagged shards are pricking at my insides, trying to find their way out through my skin.
I don’t know what I want or where I’m going. But I want to sleep and fuck until I can’t physically manage it anymore.
I dream in red.
Push from all directions. Push from above, and also below, and all the spaces they cannot see. Come at every angle, like a poison seeping through a room, until no area is left untouched, until you are so large, so overwhelming, that they are too drugged to know it is you who make them choke.
I know there’s more than I can see. So much more. There’s a world below the apathy, a twisting of vile, long forgotten things that are too weak now to penetrate the surface. The weak little tendrils extend forever upward, fighting for their space, for a moment of freedom from my constant repression. I don’t even do it on purpose anymore.
When water freezes in the cracks of the hardest stone, it can break it. I know that these things, with time, will fall victim to my design. There is only so much a tattered, long-abused humanity can withstand, and I am fast approaching that breaking point. There is an end, there truly is.
I wasn’t ready a few days ago. I wasn’t ready to give up the hate, and feeling it slip away made me feel like a child without their protective blanket. But I stare back at it now with indifference. I wonder why I longed for it to begin with. What does it do but tarnish my logic? What does it do but prevent me from perfection?
I tire of the things that hold me back. This is another step. No, it’s more than that. This is my leap of faith, as backwards as that may sound. The monster has instructed me to leap, and I have no inclination but to listen. There is a world beyond, and it can be mine, if only I am willing to take it.
So leap, won’t you?
I went to see her today because I felt like it was time. To keep people for use, you must indulge them. I didn’t hate it like I thought I would. It was alright. I’ve avoided seeing her multiple times, to the point that she was calling my boyfriend to ask me if he knew whether or not I was angry or hated her.
I’m not angry. I don’t hate all that much. I just don’t care. I don’t care to be a part of their world anymore and I only did it today because I was hungry and had a snake to show off. I’d rather spend time with my animals than bother with anyone anymore. What good are people but as tools to be used and garbage to take out and eventually throw away?
Such a waste, everything I do. Wasted effort on ingrates, for causes I don’t believe in and a curiosity that no longer exists. I don’t even care for their reactions any longer. It was funny before, and now it’s nothing more than statistical bullshit. I know what you’ll do, and on the off chance that I don’t?
It doesn’t matter what you do because I don’t fucking care. If you can live your lie, I can live mine. And I can live it far enough away that I won’t be able to see you anymore.
You’re thinking of moving away? Good. You do that. Don’t expect sympathy from me. You go from treating me like I’m your toy to suddenly acting like you give a fuck. You should have known from my previous backstabbing that I don’t take kindly to leashes. I chew them off and then I take your arm. The whole fucking thing.
But whatever. I don’t care. I have a place now, a sea, and I’ve decided that in it I shall throw all the things I don’t like. They will wash up on the shore at first, but give me some time, and one day they will be lost so deep that they won’t ever come back.