I woke up crying out in pain. I didn’t realize until the grogginess wore off and the tears were streaming down my face, that I had been doing it over and over the last few hours. You get into that state, that inbetween, where all your dreams make sense and each detail feels locked away for safekeeping. The lie, is that they aren’t. As soon as reality comes, as soon as you shake those last patches of fog from your mind, everything slips away silently, tendrils as smooth as silk. Perhaps it’s better that I don’t remember, maybe the implications are enough.
I’m healing in some ways. The numbness is less, the muscle control is more. But the thought that the pain is causing damage, frightens me. I want normal again, even as wretched as that was for me. There will always be pain, surely. But I will gladly take it. I want to be outside again. I want to run. I want this to fade away, nothing but a bad memory, and begin again.