Bad and guilty or indulgent and carefree? Maybe just…stupid.

If you were expecting me to confess something…better look elsewhere. Draw what you will from it; it makes little difference to me whether your assumptions are correct or…faulty. And yes, I’m aware that my poetry is far from good, but honestly…who gives a fuck. I have to write the crap down somewhere.

So many temptations, so little time….
Indulgence or compulsion, it’s damn hard to tell
I won’t concern myself, but I won’t be a fool
Ignorance is not truly bliss
I’ve done things that cannot be undone
But I don’t regret
Sins aren’t so terrible; indulge in them while you can
I say to goddamned hell with the rest
You’re going to die worthless anyway.
————————————

Mostly, thoughts are just stupidity not spoken aloud
Brainless assumptions, meaningless words abound
The world of waste, that is the human brain
Luckily intelligence cannot be feigned
Your questions are foolish, your conclusions…highly debatable
Meaning: of comprehensive thought you are not at all able….

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Irritating, inconsiderate people.

I’m going to write about something useless. The other day I had hunger pangs for a McFlurry. Can’t explain it, I just did. So on the way home my mom and I stopped at McDonald’s to get me my ice cream.

The parking lot at this McDonald’s is shaped a bit oddly, so that if there are more than 2 cars in line at the drivethru the third car ends up blocking one of the laneways to get in and out of the parking lot. Which is obviously a bit inconvenient, so instead of blocking the road, my mom left enough room so that cars could drive between us and the car in front. This little gesture is where the trouble started.

All of a sudden some woman behind us in line drives on our side (by the way, there was even a guy behind her) then gets in front of us, which is quite a tight squeeze. My mom blared the horn at her. I mean really, she went kind of crazy with the horn. She’d had a lot of trouble that day at the stores she went to, so she wasn’t in the grandest of moods. Oh, and you can also blame the menopause, which has recently taken its grip on her. Her hormones are crazy right now. Back to the lady in line: she doesn’t move even with all of the honking, she stays where she is. My mom gets out of the car to go talk to her…and she’s looking scary….

Let me explain a few things about my mom. She’s very unconfrontational, to the point that I have huge arguments with her where I tell her she needs to start sticking up for herself. She doesn’t do this sort of thing…ever. Which is why I know it’s her hormones…. Generally I tend to be the one who gets in peoples’ faces, but on that day I was not in the mood after having gotten up early and taken a final exam: I wanted nothing to do with any of it, I just wanted my goddamned McFlurry.

My mom goes over to the car, yelling at the driver’s side window (it was a bit…disconcerting…), and after I see her face lose the angry lines I realize that there was some sort of misunderstanding, and when she even smiles I’m beggining to think that I must have just entered bipolar land. What the hell? So she gets in the car after the guy behind us gives us a thumbs up, and explains to me that the lady thought that we were parked and talking or something. Apparently mom just told her to go ahead and stay where she was. But wait, it gets better.

Finally after about 5 more minutes mom starts ordering, and I turn back in my seat after hearing honking. An Explorer is trying to get in between two of the cars behind us. It’s such a narrow space that only the front end of the SUV can get into it, leaving the back end sticking out onto the road. How dumb can people be? After getting hit with a hail of honking, and realizing that their SUV wasn’t supposed to be there, the driver reverses and somehow manages pull into a parkingspace, away from the drivethru lane.

I eventually get my McFlurry, and see, as we’re pulling out, that the line is now blocking that one exit. Such nice, considerate people, don’t you think? Needless to say, we drove around and went the other way. It’s sort of incredible how when we did it everybody followed our lead and left the space open, then once those people got their orders new people came and did it their way. Which of course made other people follow their example, and block off the exit. Such sheep. Nice example of conformity. 

I knew we should have just gone inside.     

Avoiding living.

I’ve come to realize that what I am doing is considered unhealthy by most people. Humans are “social creatures!”, as my teacher likes to remind everyone. We’re supposed to want companionship. Crave it. Need it. I’ve gotten to the point where I have to stand back and look at my choices, because all the feedback I get is negative. They make me question my thought-out decision, even when emotion and mind tell me that this is the one right choice I’ve made. I guess it’s that old saying that if you hear something enough you begin to believe it. But I won’t.

I have no friends, so what? I don’t socialize or date, so what? When I go to my doctor the nurse always looks at me like I’m psychotic because I admit that I don’t date. Every relative asks my mom the same question each time they talk to her, “Does she have a boyfriend yet?”. Hell, it’s the only question I get from my relatives. Fuck the fact that I’m trying to get a degree or that I have personal problems and desires that incline me to be introverted.

People think I’m avoiding living. That there is something wrong with me for not having relationships on any level. What angers me is people think I TRY to be this way. I don’t try anything. The fact is I just don’t like being in a group, I don’t like being surrounded by other people, why is that so fucking hard for them to understand? Some people are extroverted, others aren’t. It’s not difficult to figure out. And obviously I’m going to avoid things that are painful for me. But yet all I get is people saying to me, “That’s not possible; you’re pretending”. What, just because you don’t feel the same way I do, suddenly it doesn’t exist?

It’s infuriating. It’s funny that people can be so stupid. I could live all alone, no problem. I could go years without people, and it wouldn’t be a tragedy or even a minor bother. I’d be overjoyed. I’m sorry that other people need others so badly that they would rather die than be without them, but that is not my problem. Whatever this “social creature” gene is, I don’t have it.

I don’t care if you don’t understand it. I am what I am, and no social pressure is going to force me to do things that are against my very nature.

Inside the lies.

I feel like I can speak of nothing. There are so few things that can be said that aren’t incriminating to me at this moment, at least in my real life. Perhaps I am paranoid; it wouldn’t be the first time. I can’t go to therapy, because again, that would be far too revealing. No one can know that I have problems, as that is my dirty little secret and no one elses.

I feel the feelings of a liar; my intentions are to manipulate
Tear down without consent
Darken other souls, and never repent

Psychology is like a mine field. Just one mistep and one of my precious limbs will be severed off, if not my entire being. I feel strange about all of it, sitting in my quiet little place. She already knows my name too well. I will never speak of myself; that is what I have vowed. No matter how close it hits to home I CANNOT and WILL NOT say a word. I won’t bear my soul as some do, acting as though class is a purging ground and solution to all of the problems they were too stupid to understand without assistance. Fools. Ignorant bystanders of their own lives is what they are. I won’t be one of them. Not now, not ever. I won’t tell her that she’s wrong, and all these crackpot theories as to why people do what they do…were made by people who had never been there themselves. I have been there, I could give the answers. But I won’t. They don’t deserve to have a “why” to something so far beyond their comprehension. I give it to them and they will twist it, corrupting it and exploiting it for their own selfish endeavors. Then they will use it against me, as they always do. That I will not have.

What bothers me is that I feel exposed, as though my skull has been torn open and my brain is right there for all to see and ridicule. But it hasn’t been, I feed my own paranoia. It’s my own fault really, these feelings, I never should have asked so many questions. Maybe again I am paranoid. I can’t tell anymore. Everyone thinks I’m so certain, that self-esteem exists in me. I guess I have been a good liar, far better than I ever thought. I have them all fooled, and maybe…

Maybe I even have myself fooled to an extent. I don’t have to think about pretending anymore…it’s now automatic. The smile comes without struggle, the laughter, unhinged. The carefully gaurded words, all drenched with symbolism…they come out of my mouth with hardly a thought. It’s all a game to me, the lying game. I am not depressed. I am sure of myself. I love college. Life is a beautiful thing worth cherishing. I did not consider holding a gun to my head yesterday. I am capable of crying. I am not depressed.

But the truth is: I am a mechanical sheep in a flock of flesh and blood…and the world is too blind to even notice.    

Gods are people that are cleverly selfish; gods are things of deceit

Each moral is a vanity,
Every law a lie
There is no such thing as happiness
Settle for violent discontent
Everyone vies for first touch; the corruption of innocence
All is to my distaste

The desires are truly a pursuit of life
Abstinence is a wish for death
Every pretty little lie makes me stronger;
It is the world I wish to contaminate

Those people so contemptible
Stand by and swallow my lies
Serve the one that blasphemes the best
Let me sever all of your useless ties
Now build me up to be your martyr, your new dutiful God
Betray my trust, tear down my loyalty
Watch as your God dies

Lick the red from the dirt
Gaze upon my dead eyes
Let me decompose in my world so perfectly constucted
Let my soul drift away
Ask me why I leave you to die alone,
Ask me why I leave you to suffer and toil
I’ll simply say,
“For those horrible things you did to me”

Nobody gives a damn about you, or anybody else.