It’s weird to think that everything you do impacts other people. I could take on guilt, I suppose, but I’m not sure what good it would do. Mainly I just feel apathy. My friend and her boyfriend are still struggling to come to some sort of truce, wherein there’s just enough trust for the relationship to be salvaged. If it even can be… I’m not incredibly concerned either way, but I think back to before I told her and wonder how long it would have taken if I had held my cards instead of going all in.
I wonder too, if I’m just damaged. I don’t know how to have normal conversations with others. It becomes personal quickly, and even sexual, and I think it’s probably easy to misinterpret. Although I am not feeling sexual feelings at the time, I enjoy talking about it. There’s an element of the forbidden to it. And that all makes sense given the context of my past. You get attention if you talk about sex, and sometimes you get to talk about it with people you want to have sex with—all the better, right?
So even when I’m not sexually interested in someone, conversations can still take a turn. And with my friend being so open about everything and expecting her boyfriend to be the same, it’s not really surprising that he mistook anything spoken about. I made it clear I had no interest in him, but that seemed to have no effect.
I suppose when you have a dick and not much else to think with, it makes you a little stupid. It’s not that I absolve him of his sins; quite the contrary, I hate his guts. I think he’s a useless waste of space that needs to take showers without prompting and stop being disgusting about literally everything, but that’s just my opinion. I know she loves him and thinks he’s smart, so I tolerate it and just nod. Really, it’s better for her if they stay together, even if he is a piece of human garbage who can’t peel himself off the couch. She needs support, and I’m way too up my own ass to offer it to any useful degree.
I sound like an asshole. It’s true. I know I’m better than he is and I’m tired of his meddling. She convinced herself (and he went along with it for obvious reasons), that he did all of it out of jealousy, trying to get me to leave so he could have her to himself. I’m laughing as I’m typing this. Whatever helps everyone sleep at night.
And I’m trying to wrap my head around how she could be convinced that her boyfriend hitting on her friend would be a good tactic that he would pursue, particularly when she was GPS tracking his car for long periods of time and monitoring his phone, and constantly questioning where he had been. He would have to be completely ass-backwards dumb to think that doing anything that even resembled cheating would be a good idea.
He was thinking with his dick. Just so you know. I know you want to think he’s better than that and cares about you to the point that he would alienate you from everyone (which, admittedly he has), but never did he do it in a way that would jeopardize his relationship. So yeah, this is me telling you that your boyfriend would have cheated on you first chance he got. And still will, I’d bet anything. Get some girl in there to talk about his feelings, and he’ll magically end up between her legs. Maybe not even that much effort from the female.
I’m sorry. The truth hurts. It’s shit. People are shit. And the only reason I haven’t told you any of this is because I want you to still have some hope that there are decent human beings in the world that can give a shit about you and not betray you at every turn.
Think of it as an omitted truth, omitted for the sake of your sanity and wishful thinking.
I know you want to fuck our therapist, and if I’m honest, I do too, but the hero worshipping is over. He’s just a man, not even a particularly interesting one. It’s the lack of context that makes him seem mysterious. And you putting in the level of trust that you are with all of your extreme emotions…does not bode well for you.
He’s not your friend, I’m sorry to say. And I can hear his lies when you tell me what he’s said. He can’t be trusted. He’s a liar too, like all the others. I’m not sure why you don’t see it. But if he goes too far, I’ll back him into a corner, just like your boyfriend, just like anyone who was stupid enough to stand in my way and think that they could get away unscathed. I’m tired of lies and omitted truths; I’d rather live in reality. It’s harder here, but I’ve survived my father and I will survive everything else, provided I don’t off myself first. Because the reality is: nothing will ever be that bad. That was the worst it could get.
Watch me eat my words.